He came Into her life and everything changed
Like a bird flying so high and free is how he made her feel.
His egg shaped head and small lips She thought was the cutest, felt soo perfect on hers. He was good with words, smooth, Intelligent His corny jokes and weird sense of humour were just amongst the layer of awesomeness she thought made him amazing
He was everything She dreamt of
And when he took her virginity and made her a woman for the first time… his lips against hers, his hard, fairly slender frame, his perfect face, She could feel him bulging down there
Passion intensifying, their breaths intertwined and with that First tear/ thrust. It felt perfect. She wanted him more. It was passion, it was Love
She must have been just a little naive girl
See, She haven’t always been what Americans call a “Feminist”
She was raised to be a perfect lady
Raised to think and believe that women should. be totally subservient to men, not have a voice
So the broken heart didn’t matter, the making her feel like she was below him didn’t matter, like her opinion didn’t matter.. it was okay, She just wanted him.
His heart and eyes seemed to be wandering looking for what else is out there.
You can’t make him stay or love you! The voice kept saying.
She didn’t care that there were times she looked into his eyes and knew he wouldn’t stay.
She humbly let her guard down and let her heart feel for as long as It can.
Her breasts were not as. big neither was her bottom as inviting as the girls he flirted with.
You have to be able to keep a man is what they said.
Smile they said.
The gifts, the money, the nice car, nice house flashy things is how you know men love and care about you they said; it doesn’t matter what else he does.
And when she spoke up she was called too stubborn, “That’s why I did what I did”
A part of her always believed women should be able to speak up, she just loved him too much,
Was she not worth loving?
Was She not worth the attention, the love?Was She not deserving of the butterflies?
A hole was left that will never be filled
All She has. left are scars… A reminder of her journey
For a long time she felt alone, and still does.
Drowning but she tries to keep her head above water
Shattered heart, stolen innocence.
Panic attacks, Insecurities, anxiety, depression
Stubborn?
Be totally subservient?
Your voice doesn’t matter?
Now she is the rebel, the mutinous one?
Now all she wants to do is go on road trips,
Play on a farm, plant some crops and watch it come to life
Visit museums.
Try out coffee shops,
Listen to her favourite albums while driving.
Have a Polaroid camera.
Take pretty pictures of the sunrise.
Take quirky and funny pictures of herself. where It didn’t have to be perfect all the time.
Run through a forest.
Spend hours on a field making flower crowns.
She wanted to feel alive not just a walking mannequin.
Now they call her Haze
They call her a p*rnographist
They think they know her and have her figured out, they barely know her journey .
She’s lost trying to get found
She is hurt, she is scarred
Long days and long nights
Her pillows have become her comfort
They hear her talk to herself. when She lays down.
They catch her tears when they drop.
The yoga mat has become her safe haven.
It catches her when she falls.
And when she’s on it, she lets it all go.
She wishes the pain and the hurt could stop.
The voices in her head won’t stop.
She wished her heart would stop yearning for him still
The feeling of not feeling good enough
Why did it have to be me is what she often say to herself.
Now all she see around her are wolves
Wanting a piece of the prey
Show your face they say?
She will not be pressured
Let’s work together and f*ck on camera they say.
They probably have never felt what I felt with him on our first time… that seventh heaven kind of feeling, the one that snatches you and takes you to a place where no one else matters, where the world vanishes and it’s just the both of you, otherwise they wouldn’t be wanting to stick it in every and anything under a skirt.
At this point she is scared to catch feelings for anyone because no matter how good it feels or how faithful that person is at the time, it seems like whenever she gets attached everything just seems to go wrong.
She is Haze!
